4.19.2005

asymmetrical chipmunk

According to Ross, that's what I look like.

[warning: following story is gross. I don't usually give a warning for such things, but this is fuckin nasty.]
So I wake up yesterday morning feeling as though someone socked me in the left jaw while I was asleep. It was slightly swollen and sort of painful, like a few days after my wisdom teeth were ripped from my skull. I looked even more retarded this morning, so I went into the oral surgeon to get it looked at. After listening to the likes of Lisa Loeb, Gin Blossoms, Creed, and Tori Amos (that's right, "Sleeps with Butterflies" is still in heavy rotation on AAA radio! I'm so embarrassed.) for almost an hour, this crazy young Amazon woman with a thick Eastern European accent chaotically tromps into the room, followed by a much shorter white man in his late fifties. Panicky giant woman reaches into my mouth and squeezes my tender swollen cheek, saying "eet is infected. Look, see? That is pus," she points out as she lets my mouth fill with blood. Gross, I'm thinking. She then hurredly grabs a giant syringe, saying that I'm going to be numbed up so they can drain the infection. Awesome. So she jabs me with the massive syringe, once... twice... three times in different places. Hurts like a bitch. The man hands her a tube, and she promptly forces it into my extraction site. I flinch and flail like a 4-year old getting vaccines. It hurts like a MOTHERFUCKER. I am not numb, I'm seeing tons of blood being hoovered out of my mouth, and these docs want to get it the fuck over with. I'm about to toss my nonexistant breakfast up onto myself. After 30 excruciating seconds, I start making pathetic pleading animal noises. "You are not numb?" asks psycho lady. I get another jab of anasthetic, of course to no avail. I say that I'm about to ralph, and the bitch asks me "Vere you drinkink last night? How many beers?" Har har. More draining ensues; at this point it hurts so much I'm beating my fist on the chair and kicking my legs uncontrollably. This apparently doesn't faze Boris and Natasha, who seem to be more concerned with the mental problems of a patient in the adjacent room. I don't know. After a lot more cheek-squeezing and tube-shoving, they finally finish, the whole process having taken about 3 minutes. I still can't recall a more painful three minutes, to be honest. The intense pain pretty much subsided after another five minutes or so, and they told me to come back in two days so they can check up on it. I'm positively thrilled.

At least one good thing came out of the whole ordeal, and that thing is in the form of Tylenol 3. Codeine rules. I'm happy.

Saw dead squirrel again today. Went up close to inspect, and was amazed to find minimal decomposition and only one ant crawling down its head. It was missing both its eyes. From its flat appearance, I'd say it's being eaten from the inside out. Hopefully it will stay where it is so I can watch the process in all its disgusting, maggoty detail.

Did I mention today was the last day of classes?!

Listening: "Ghost" ~Neutral Milk Hotel

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